and with what body do they come

This weekend, Nin and I had planned to go to D.C for a quick visit before the month bellied into school again. Unfortunately, the best laid plans of unglamorous editorial assistants for Artful Dodge don’t have time for these weekend luxuries. The picture above demonstrates how good Cocoa was this weekend. We looked after her because my parents were gone. This is the dog, remember, that can’t eat just dog food, must have dog food combined with new york strip steak or free range chicken, grilled, sometimes marinated. She wasn’t too bad, actually, stealing Winston’s toys, eating his adult large breed dog food, and generally being a dog jerk. But she’s just so damn cute when she jumps like that.

Here are some tips (this will be an ongoing list) for submitting to a journal like Artful Dodge. I list these tips in no way to seem wry, only to spare even some editors around the world from the unimaginable pain of throwing themselves out of train windows.

1. Do not send more than a few poems unless they are so amazing that they must be included. And by “amazing”, I mean amazing in the kind of independently confirmed amazing, which of course does not include mothers or spirit guides.

2. If you send a poem that is longer than three to five pages, you are indicating that you have never read a poem in a journal, because no one is going to print a five-page poem in a journal unless it has been solicited, or your first name is Walt and your last name is Whitman. Do not sing your body electric.

3. In your cover letter, do not explain what kind of poetic movement you are starting.

4. Do not use phrases such as “Great Grandmother tree, my soul is on fire”. Most likely, your soul is not on fire.

5. Do not write religious poetry that includes phrases such as “Homeless man, I nuzzle you and tell you of Jesus” because these phrases just make readers very angry.

6. Don’t translate your own poetry. It was much more interesting in French, and it fundamentally misunderstands the “translation” option of submissions.

7. Do not send poetry that, after reading, requires editors to question whether or not 911 in your town should be contacted and paramedics or police should be sent to your home.

8. If you do not send a SASE to a journal that asks for one, your poetry will be taken from the envelope, spit upon, and then thrown away.

Well, that was cathartic.